The Mundane Miracles
by Alan Spencer
Summary: Simple things like going home earlier from school can change fate's.


**The Mundane Miracles  
**

Emiya Shirou walked back home, after finishing helping Issei. His friend, Shinji, had interrupted him and pretty much demanded that he go and clean the Archery Dojo for him. He wouldn't have really minded, to be honest. He had some free time, and helping the members of the Archery Club by keeping their place clean would have been a fine way to spend than that time. But he had declined.

It was for personal reasons, but not because he didn't want to do it. Shinji was a bit arrogant, so if he stopped taking care of him he might even learn a sense of responsibility. So he had just declined and went away. Well. It probably was wishful thinking of his part, really. Shinji would probably just bully somebody into cleaning the place for him. But at least there was a chance he would end up cleaning it by itself. They were friends, always had been, though Shinji had hit Sakura once and he had ended up beating up and now they were kind of strangled. So ignoring him was hard. But he knew that, regardless of that, ignoring such requests would do Shinji more good that doing those things for him.

The question now was how to spend his free time. Today he didn't have work, so he didn't have anything to do now. Well. If he remembered right, they were short of several things, so he should go shopping and then start to cook dinner. Having decided, he headed for the shopping district. He didn't really like shopping per se, though Fuji-nee could and would compare him to a housewife. Still, even he had to admit that his knowledge was something more suited to an experience housewife rather that a seventeen year old man. But well, that was just how he was.

When he finished buying everything, night had already fallen. To be honest, it shouldn't have taken it this long, but he got distracted by one thing or another and before he knew it a lot time had passed. He had to hurry back home if he wanted to make dinner on time. Though at this point, he could only hastily make something serviceable, at the most.

As he went back home, he passed by a park. He passed through it countless times before, and he had never given it more that a second glance. But now he saw by the corner of his eye a little girl, hair as white as snow, sitting in the swings by herself, her head held down.

He couldn't ignore that. It was against his nature to ignore anybody that needed help, but this was truly serious. Those gas leaks, and that family that was murdered. It all indicated than that something that was going on had to do with magic, and leaving this girl by herself at night… it could end badly. Could. And that was all he needed to know. So he stepped into the park, and ran towards the girl, still holding the bags.

She raised her head, having heard him come. He was surprised. Her face was as white as her hair, and her bright red eyes only made the colour of her skin stand out even more. Her eyes widened. Her hands started shaking lightly. Oh, shit. He hadn't even considered that seeing a stranger run towards her would scare her, considering what was going. He stopped himself. By then, he was already right in front of her. He let the bags down.

"Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." he said, feeling like scum. He keeled, so they could be at eye level. He showed her his best smile. "What's wrong? Are you alone?"

"I… I'm fine."

"It's that so." he gave a hearty little chuckle. It was only natural that the kid wouldn't trust with whatever had happened, really. Though that didn't meant he had to like her. Seeing her sitting in the swings, her head held down… he though his heart was in danger of breaking by merely recalling that image. He wanted her to smile. He wanted everybody to smile, but right now, he wanted her to smile more that anything else in the world. "Even so, its dangerous to be alone at night at this hour. I get that I'm just a stranger to you, but I can't just leave you like this. Could you like if I walked you home?"

"Why are you being nice to me?"

"Why would I not been nice?" her statement send off warning bells in his head. Were her parents abusing her? It was a big leap of logic, that much was true. Children often made a mountain out of a molehill, so it was more likely she had got into a fight with a friend or something like that. But now that he had thought about that, he couldn't quite shake off that thought from his head.

"That's..." she bit her lip. Shirou, feeling like he had to do something, put his hand on the top of her hear and lovely tussled her hair. She looked at him like she had seen a ghost.

"Come on. I get it, you don't trust me. But I really just can't leave you alone. Ah, also..." he brought his hand back, and started searching through the bags. He had brought some dora-yaki because Fuji-nee really liked it, but well, whatever. She could live it without it. He grabbed, took it off and held it towards the little girl. "Here. Something for you to eat on the way."

Looking confused, but most of all flustered, she took the dora-yaki from his hands. He took off his phone from his pocket. He didn't really use it much, but he carried a cheap one around because sometimes it was necessary. Sakura and Issei didn't have one, so he only had Shinji and Fuji-nee's number.

"Do you know your parent's number?"

She didn't answer. She just stared at him, as if wondering what to say. Then, suddenly, her face brightened. He had thought she was beautiful before, but now she looked like some kind that could appear of the cover of a fashion magazine. For children, of course.

"Hey, onii-chan!" her voice was light and pleasant. "I don't want to go home yet. Stay with me a little."

"Uh..." it was nice to see her happy, but he was caught off guard by her sudden change. He didn't know what to think. "Sure, okay. But not long, since its late."

Fuji-nee would definitively worry. Sakura, too. But surely, both of them would understand if he told them his reason. So there was no harm in indulging this girl's whims a little bit. He went to sit down.

"Push me!" she yelled. So instead of sitting down in the swings with her, he went behind her and started pushing her. He hadn't never gone on the swings. At least, now after the fire. He couldn't know if he had gone before that or not. But it was easy to get the hang of it, and the child was very light, so he didn't have to try hard. Besides. Her wide smile, puffy cheeks, and light giggling encouraged him.

She was as energetics as only a child could be but, as the minutes passed, that energy of hers lowered until she wasn't even making a noise as he pushed her. She was still smiling, but her smile was filled with melancholy. There was barely a trace of happiness. It hurt. He would have preferred getting a beating rather that having to sit here, watching here, knowing that he didn't know anything about her and so he couldn't know what to say to get her to smile again.

"Onii-chan?"

"Yes?"

"Tell me about yourself."

"Well, my life is not really that interesting," well, she was a kid, so she probably would get giddy if he told her he was a magus. But it wasn't like he could do that. "If you want, though, then sure."

"I want to heard it. That's why I asked."

"My father's name was Emiya Kiritsugu. He adopted me, and he wasn't married, so I grew up without a mother. But, well, there was person that came often to visit. She's the granddaughter of the person my father brought the house from. Her name is Fujimura Taiga, and I guess you could say she is my mother figure. But man, she's too unreliable for that. To me, she's more like a goofy big sister that anything else. If anything, I'm the one that has to take care of her."

"...You were adopted?"

"Uh, yes. I guess you're not from around here, so you haven't heard about it, but ten years ago there a big fire here." he said. His voice was calm, but inside the memories of that day were stirring and heading towards a breaking point. Hell. A hell were nobody could be saved and he couldn't save anybody. And he alone, who had nothing, had been saved out of pure chance. "I...I was one of the survivors of the fire. Kiritsugu saved me, and adopted me. He died five years later."

"Ah." she breathed out. "I see…. Tell me about him."

"Well, to be honest...I'm admired him a lot, and I thought he could do no wrong, but he was a really carefree man. He just lazed around the house when he was actually there, and he couldn't cook anything to save his life. That's why I learned. Because I wanted to eat something edible. Despite that, though, I got the sense even back then that he was a man beaten down by age and whatever had happened to him." he said. "When I was old enough to stay at home by myself, he started to leave the house on a regular basis. It was normal for him to be gone for a month, and sometimes even half a year. The I was a little lonely on that big house, but the loneliness would dissipate every time he came back with his stories."

"How did it happen?"

"What?"

"His death. How did it happen?" she sounded close to tears, which only gave him all the more reason to not tell such a thing to a child.

"I would be better if..."

"How did it happen?" her head lowered even more. That voice. That pleading tone. He really didn't want to tell her something like that. He understood that not everybody was like himself, who had been used to seeing corpses since he had any consciousness of himself. He understood death, knew death and had nearly died himself. But she was just a kid. He shouldn't. He really shouldn't, but right now he would have obeyed no matter what she would have asked him. Because… he couldn't stand to see her like that.

"Winter, five years ago." Shirou finally said. His throat was suddenly dry. He had accepted Kiritsugu's death, but something like this… telling something like this to a child… n ot telling her would hurt her, but he was afraid that telling her would hurt her even more, so he was torn by his desire to help her. "We were outside, watching the full moon. And he told that he was a child, he wanted to become an Ally Of Justice."

"...An Ally Of Justice?" there was wonder in her voice, and almost palpable bitterness.

"Yes. An Ally Of Justice. Somebody who could save anybody. Kiritsugu wanted to become that kind of person." Shirou said. "I was outraged because he said he 'wanted'. As if he had given up. He said that it became hard to call yourself that when you become an adult, so I said it couldn't be helped, so I would take on his dream. I… I asked to let me make it come true. He made a face like he didn't need to hear the rest and then that man, who was even emptier that me, died. I didn't realize it back then, though. He looked so peaceful I thought he would wake up again, so I stayed besides it through the night… Perhaps I cried eight years worth of tears, since after that there was nothing."

The girl jumped out of the swing suddenly. It startled him, since he was lost in his thoughts.

"Wait!"

The girl skipped across the park, as if dancing, her long, flowing white hair trailing behind her. She stopped at the edge of the park, and turned around, her hands clasped behind her back and a brilliant smile on her face.

"It has been fun, but I'm going now."

"I really should stay with you until your family arrives."

"It's fine, it's fine. Don't be such a worry wart." she said. "Eh… Can you meet me here tomorrow at six o'clock? Please?"

"Of course. I'll be there without a doubt."

"Good." her wide smile could have illuminated the darkness. He felt his smile grow wider. Maybe… maybe this was how it felt being a big brother. "Bye-bye, Shirou."

Then she turned and ran away.

"Goodbye."

It was a shame, really. He hadn't even got to know her name… wait. He hadn't told her his name, either, so how did she know? But by the time he realized that, she had already turned the corner and went out of his sight. Oh, well. There was nothing he could do now. Sure he could run and try to catch up with her, but they had already parted ways. He didn't really have any right to butt in and, in any case, it was good that she was going back home. Still… her behaviour, her words. He couldn't shake any of it off. He would have to ask Raiga to take a look at it, just in case his awful suspicious were true.

With a strange feeling in his chest, he started heading back home.

* * *

Today had started badly and it hadn't got any better from there.

Turning on the television to see the morning news, and being reminded about the gas leaks, about the brutal murder of that family, was infuriating. He knew. He knew there had to been something more behind all of it, and he was incapable of doing anything. Hell, he could even point somebody at the problem. He didn't even know where to start looking. He could only look on helplessly and hope things would be all right.

What a joke. What use was in an Ally Of Justice who could help even a single person? He was fine like this, really. He liked seeing people smile because he had fixed something, or he had helped them out with something else. And helping the student council by fixing problems in the school that couldn't be tangled due to budget gave him a warm feeling, because he was helping the school as a whole. But… every time he thought about the recent events he couldn't help but hate himself. He should been able to do more. He should at least be able to lie down his life in exchange for it.

He didn't want people getting hurt. He didn't want people dying. He understood that miracles wishing for such normal happiness were too much for people, as much as it vexed him. He understood because of those memories, that pain. The cold reality that hurt his heart. But was he greedy for wanting an ending where everybody could be happy? Every time he thought that he could have prevented somebody being hurt or killed if he actually was worth a damn as a magus, he felt sick. He felt like his organs were coming up his throat.

He went through the motions. He diligently learned, and took his notes. And at the end of the day, he helped Issei like always. Here and there. Small work that he couldn't but think that it was, until the end, worthless. But what could he do? He understood too that he couldn't change that feeling boiling within it. What hurt was the pain inside. The memory was there, and it wouldn't never heal. All he could was hold his head high, and do what he could do.

Yes.

It was easy to understand, but that didn't meant he had to like it.

* * *

He had promised that girl that he would meet her again on that park, so he would go there. Maybe she would forget about it or even ignore it on a whim, since she was a kid, but at least he had to go there and see what happened. He had considered asking Raiga to look at her situation, but it would been easier for him to get hold of that information. He liked being with her, but that was a big reason that he went there. He could be blowing things way out of proportion like an idiot, he wished with all his heart that it was so, but he had seen enough to felt like he needed to check. Just in case.

She was there already. Sitting on one of the banks, a bright smile on her cute little face, and kicking her legs. Just seeing her made him felt bad he had even considered she would just ditch him. He felt himself smiling.

"Hello!" it seemed rude, but he hadn't learned her name, so it wasn't like he had much of a choice.

"Shirou!" she sat up, ran towards him and clung to his arm as naturally as if he was really her brother. "You came! I wasn't sure you would come, but you came!"

"Only girls get to arrive fashionably late. And princesses like you." he put a hand over her head and tussled her white hair. "But I'm neither, so it would be pretty embarrassing for me to not show up."

"You're still late!" she complained, sticking her tongue out at him.

"Hey." he laughed. It was strange. He never found himself laughing so easily, but now he had just done it. It felt… surprisingly good. "Its six o'clock right now, so I have arrived with minutes to spare."

"Yeah, well." she mumbled, her face red. "But you have arrived later that me, so that makes you late."

":..Sorry, sorry. I do better next time."

It was fun. It surprised him to think so, but it was really fun. They talked for hours. They smiled together and laughed together about insignificant things. He told her some more about his life, his friends. What he did and what he wanted to do, and his worries. It felt good to just… vent off. Even if…

( _I don't deserve this I'm unworthy of all of this_ )

He tried to prod her into talking about herself, and, to his mild-surprise, she did. He learned that her name was Ilyasviel Von Einzbern. It was too long, though, so he just called her Ilya. She was really pleased with that, for some reason. But anyway. She told him that he lived in a castle in the middle of the forest, with her two maids as only company. She said that she had a grandfather too, but she didn't see him lately and she was glad for that.

He asked her how they were too, of course. He didn't forget the most important part of it. She said that her grandfather was really stiff, and boring. The maids were fixated on restricting her, and that she had to slip away out of the castle to see him because they wouldn't have approved of it.

He asked her about her mother and father, even though he knew that there could be a very good reason besides abuse from her to not mentioned them. And it turned that it was exactly like that. She answered that they were both death, as if nothing was wrong. But her eyes betrayed the sadness and turmoil inside of her. Her situation was…bad, but not to the extend he had feared. There wasn't any physical abuse there.

Of course, that didn't meant much. Having both of her parents die, separated from her whole family, and ending in another country under the care of two people who didn't really care about her obviously messed her up greatly. She was clinging to him as if he was her brother, and she acted so happy about the smallest of things. It was probably because he was the first one to treat her with kindness since that had happened.

The problem was that no matter how bad she was dealing with such a situation, he couldn't do anything to fix it. He couldn't force the grandfather to take Ilya back and, even if he could, Ilya wouldn't want to stay with him. The maids… well, he could try to get to listen to reason, but if they didn't treat a ten year old girl with some warmness even after everything is clear that nothing he said could fix that. The only thing he could do was be there for Ilya, give her the warmness she should have been given.

It wasn't much, but he would do her best to be there for her whenever she needed him. And maybe, just maybe, that could be enough to give her the happiness she deserved.

As the days passed, his visits to Ilya became an integral part of his life. Seeing the situations develop without being able to do anything frustrated it, and made him felt like anything he did was worthless. But Ilya made him forget about it all, even just for a brief moment. It seemed silly, but she just… she made him felt like himself. It took her only two encounters to become the highlight of his day. Little by little, the voice in his head that told him he didn't deserve happiness was dying.

It was just… fun. There was no greater meaning or reason to it. Maybe it was weird of him to get so attached to a ten year old child, but he wasn't normal himself, and, besides, it was easy to forget about Ilya's age. Her maturity and the way she spoke at times made her seem like somebody older that him.

He had never know that all the things he didn't get involved with were so meaningful. He took her all over Fuyuki. They went shopping together, to the cinema, to everywhere Ilya was interested it. The simple everyday things everybody took for grated were pleasures to her, and the simple thing of having her by her side was also a pleasure for him now. He got weird looks at first by the people who knew him, but he stopped caring, so he couldn't even tell if they had stopped looking at him like that or not. Ilya was happy. That's all he needed to know.

Of course, that didn't change how things were. But for those hours, it made it easier to live with that knowledge. Most of the time.

Today wasn't one of those days.

He went to meet Ilya like always, but his heart was no truly in it. Today went beyond those occasional gas leaks, and that murder. Shinji had disappeared without a trace a few days ago, and Sakura was worried sick. Also, as if that wasn't bad enough, something else had happened yesterday and he just couldn't get his mind off of it. He imagined all the hurt people he could have saved, and his stomach twisted in his gut. None of them had died. Which was good. But still, there had been hurt people.

He sat down with her on the park, and gave her some dora-yaki. It had become one of Ilya's favourite foods, so he always brought some to eat with her, even though he didn't really like dora-yaki much. But he liked seeing her eat it. He asked her how she was now, but she didn't answer. She continued to stare at his face with a serious expression.

"Shirou," Ilya said. "What's wrong?"

He winced. He had thought he had done a reasonably good job in hiding it, but she had caught him it so easily. It wasn't like he wanted to hide things for her, but the didn't want to worry her unnecessarily.

"Last night, something happened at the Ryuudou Temple," Shirou said. "That, uh, I guess you haven't seen it yet. I take you there someday, if you want. Anyway. Some people were injured, and the temple undergoing reparations. They said that it was an explosion due to malfunction, but still..."

"I'm sorry." Ilya muttered, her tone… afraid?

"What are you talking about, Ilya? Its not your fault. You don't have to apologize." he said. "Look. Nobody died. Some people were hurt, but their injuries aren't severe. My friend, Issei, didn't even get a scratch on him, so there's no need to felt bad about it. It could have been much worse, so don't worry. I'm just beating myself up because I could have prevented it and because of what could have happened because I'm just that kind of person."

"...I guess." her voice was light, but bitterness coated it. It was incomprehensible to him, that she would have such a sense of responsibility for something that wasn't her fault and she couldn't have stopped in any case.

So he hugged her. He hugged her, picked her up and twirled her in the air like a princess. She squealed, giggled and put her arms around his neck.

"Yeah." he said, holding her gaze. "That expression suits you best, Ilya."

There wasn't even a trace of sorrow or doubt in her pure smile.

* * *

Three days later, Ilya suddenly showed up at his house. He had told her where his house was, but they hadn't gone there yet, for some reason, so it surprised him. But he welcomed her with open arms, as always. Fuji-nee and Sakura were confused at first, but they quickly warmed up to Ilya. She just had that effect on people.

Before cooking dinner, Shirou went to take a bath. Ilya stopped him, asking him where he was going and he, of course, told her the truth. Then she said she wanted to take a bath with him. He accepted, without showing any signs of even considering saying now. A few days ago, it would have been pretty weird for him. But now he was her big brother, so something like that was only natural.

He hadn't never bathed with another person before, not from what he could remember, and, to be honest, he thought just having even one more person there would ruin the whole point of bathing. But Ilya didn't. It was a strange feeling… okay, no. It wasn't strange. He knew damn well why he was feeling happy for it. Even after Kiritsugu adopted him, he went to the place where nothing remained, opened the door that didn't exist, walked through the hallway that didn't exist and smiled at his mother who wasn't there anymore. So doing things like this with and for Ilya made him felt like she was truly his little sister, and that…

It wasn't like Taiga and Sakura didn't count as family, of course. They were, for all intents and purposes. But with Ilya, it just felt more… more. It was a simple story. It didn't even need to be said how deeply she understood him, and how much she liked him. She always listened to him and accepted him for what he was. So it felt more natural. It was… it was what he always wanted. So, yes, bathing with her was a pleasant, relaxing experience.

It was the little touches that meant the world to him. Ilya's smile, her giggling. How pleased she looked when he complimented her beautiful, snow white hair. That she let him wash her without complaining or wiggling around, like kids usually did. The small talk. Also, that Ilya insisted on washing his back. She didn't do a very good job, and she had to stand on the tips of her toes to even reach his whole back, but it made him a little happy.

After they were clean and truly cleaned, he changed and Ilya put back the same clothes. They didn't have anything of her side, so its not like she had much of a choice. When they went back, Shirou found out that Sakura was already cooking. He didn't complain, though. It would at least take her mind off Shinji's disappearance. She was dealing with it well enough, but that didn't meant it didn't still hurt her. He thought about letting her make dinner by herself for a moment, but decided she would be happier if he helped her.

It hadn't occurred to him before, but Ilya was German. She obviously wouldn't have used chopstick before. They didn't have Western utensils in the house, though, so he taught her to use them. He was expecting Ilya to pick it up quickly, but she struggled a bit, so he had to help her through the dinner. He didn't really mind, though.

"Well, Ilya," he said, once they all finished. "It's late already, so call the maids and see if they can pick you up. If not, I walk you home myself."

"I don't want to go back."

"Uh, well. I don't mind, but you should at least call them to tell them you will stay here tonight."

"I don't want to go back at all, Shirou."

"What happened?"

"I'm not wanted anymore." she simply said. He heard the distant clattering of plates. "Grandfather threw me out."

"...W-what?" he couldn't believe he had heard what he had just heard. He couldn't not believe that after pushing her away from so long he would just throw her away like trash. And most of all, he was so furious that Ilya had to listen to that bullshit that he couldn't even think straight. "That… That bastard…!"

"Its fine, Shirou. I never liked him, anyway. Its better this way."

"Yeah, that's right." he keeled in front of her, and hugged her to his chest. "You're staying here with us."

Ilya hugged him back.

* * *

A turbulent nightmare. The dreams of the fire had faded away with time, but that night it returned with full force. Every time. Every time was like he was dying again. He could felt his heart beating fast in his chest. This dream… it must be because of the hate and anger at the injustice that Ilya's remaining family could just throw her away. It would be bad enough for anybody, but she was just ten years old. Just thinking about it made his teeth chatter.

He opened his eyes, and stared at the ceiling on his room. It was night, still. Oddly, Taiga hadn't objected to Ilya staying here. He had expected at least for her to insist that she went and lived with her, instead of with him. But she hadn't even mentioned that. There were a lot of unoccupied guest rooms, but Ilya had wanted to sleep by his side. He sat up, feeling a bit groggy.

"Ilya?" he called out to her. "Are you awake?"

She wasn't there. He was beating himself up for not noticing him sooner, but she wasn't there. He couldn't even felt her presence. He felt as if his heart had jumped to his throat. He didn't waste even an instant wondering what had happened. He just went out of bed, and ran, searching for her. He went out.

What awaited him was the scene of a nightmare.

Sitting in the same place where he had seen Kiritsugu died, he saw a nightmare under the moonlight. Ilya was there. Her expression was cold, lifeless. A black giant was by her side, wielding a huge lump of rock about as big as him. His mind didn't even dwell on that impossible existence. What pulled him were what was in front of them: two corpses.

Corpses… they were ground into meat, until they were barely recognizable as something that once had been human. There was so much blood it almost seemed cartoonist. And Ilya was staring impassively at that scene of carnage, like nothing was wrong. He felt like his mind was bending. He felt like it could break. Breathing unevenly even though he wasn't tired, he ran towards her.

Ilya turned her head towards him, and simply watching him come. The black giant's eyes were fixed on him, but it didn't move, either.

"Ilya, what… what is this?" he breathed out. "What is this?"

She looked away from him, a bit of guilt breaking through her calm mask.

"Its not like I wanted to do it." she said. "They should have just left me alone, if they had any sense of self preservation. With Berserker by my side, they can't take me back."

"Can't..." he put his hands on her shoulders. "What do you meant?"

He couldn't think straight. He didn't even know what was coming off his mouth.

"Shirou..."

"What?"

She raised her head, and held his gaze. Her calmness had completely broke. Tears had started streaming down her face.

"W-what's wrong? I help you, if there's anything I..."

A push against his mind. And after that-

 _the memory was locked away forever_.

* * *

Ilya didn't seem to be affected by what her grandfather had done. If anything, she seemed to think it was about time. He was happy she wasn't upset about it, though he was also unhappy. If she had been neglected so much that something like this was a relief… well, it didn't spell out anything good for her psyche, that was for sure. He could have considered that maybe she had been physically abused, but there were no signs of it. He had made sure to check for it while they were bathing together yesterday. Just in case.

Ilya said that she had been home schooled before, which… wasn't exactly a surprise, to be honest. So she ended up staying at home, for now, while he went to school. To be honest, he had actually considering skipping school at least for that day to stay with Ilya, but that would have set up a bad example for her. He had to act more responsibly, since he was her big brother now.

Fuji-nee also became Ilya's legal guardian, and started the preparations to get Ilya to the local elementary school. Ilya didn't like the idea at all, though, and vehemently refused to go… until he asked her. He didn't thing Ilya would get along with the children… in fact, it was pretty much impossible. Her maturity was leaps and bounds beyond her age. But education was important to her future, and neither he nor Taiga had the time to home-school her.

Moreover, even if he left his job at the Copenhagen to home-school her, it wouldn't work out. He was fairly smart, but he didn't think he would make for a good teacher. Also, he was atrocious at English and History. English could be covered by Fuji-nee, but history wouldn't. Well, if Sakura wanted to help them, it could be done. He would felt bad leaving his job at the Copenhagen, but it would been work it as long as Ilya was happy. Besides. There was a chance that Ilya would find herself some friends. She needed that, so he was unwilling to pass on that chance. If it didn't work out, he would accept that. But for now, he would wait and see.

She did end up making some friends. Well, more like casual acquaintances. But still, he was happy for her. It would do her good. She seemed levier, too. Though maybe that had to do less with her new friends, and more to do that now, she saw him more that usual. Either way, he liked seeing her smile.

He definitively needed it. He would graduate soon, and his future was still uncertain. Not to most people, though. He knew what career he wanted to pursue, and he was on the right track to achieve that goal. But what mattered to him was the promise he made to Kiritsugu. To take on his dream. No matter how much time has passed, the answer of how to become an Ally Of Justice didn't come any closer.

He was starting to felt that his ideal was nothing more that a prayer to the stars.

* * *

Shirou was sitting on the sofa with Ilya on his lap, watching some movie Ilya wanted to watch. It wasn't a bad movie, in his opinion. Ilya seemed to felt the same. Bitter but uplifting. It was the kind of movie he liked. Well, it seemed strange to say that since Ilya was the one that had gotten in into watching movies not too long ago in the first place, but for his limited experience that was the kind of movie he liked best.

It lasted one hour and a few minutes. Ilya had monopolized the bowl of popcorn, and she finished not too long before the movie ended.

"Shirou," Ilya said. "Tell me about it."

"E-h?"

"You are worried about something, so tell me about it." she answered, kicking her legs. "Do you think I wouldn't notice?"

Man. Sometimes, he felt like he was her little brother, and not the other way around.

"Is just… I promised father I would become an Ally Of Justice, but I felt like I'm not making any progress." Would that sound insulting to her? "He… when he saved me, I didn't think about that I was saved but that there was somebody there to save me. The fact itself is such a beautiful, miraculous thing… Since my wish was granted, all I can do is carry the wishes of those that disappeared there. No, there's no way I can hold my head hight unless I think so."

"Shirou..."

Subconsciously, he hugged her more tightly. Nobody could be saved if he remember this, the nightmare pushing against his mind. But not remembering couldn't save anything, either.

"Yeah, I noticed it!" he finally confessed, his voice ragged. At least, there was nobody else in the house. "There's no way I couldn't have noticed! I walked through it all. I ignored the voices sobbing in pain, the voices going mad trying to escape, the screams of those not wanting to die, the pleas of mothers wanting me to take their children! I even ignored the dying eyes that could not ask for help! I..." damn, damn, damn. Tears stung at the corner of his eyes. "I only sought help for myself."

"Geez. You're so infuriating." she sounded angry, too. "What good does it do to beat yourself up over that! If you had done something, you would just died like them! There was no chance of you saved a single person there. And as long as you're alive, you should kept on striving to live. Your life is as precious as anybody else."

"It isn't. Why should I live where others died?"

"That's a question anybody who survives a disaster ask themselves. Should you throw your life away because you survived on a whim? That's ridiculous. Or are you saying that if even one more person as saved you wouldn't have felt this way?"

"Of course. If everybody had been saved, if that impossible miracle had ocurred… but it hadn't, and that couldn't have never happened. People died because I ignored them. I can't just write that off… Maybe I couldn't have been able to help anybody, but I would have at least tried. Even if my death would have been in vain..."

"What about Kiritsugu, then?"

"...Uh." that caught him off guard; he couldn't tell where was she going with this.

"If you had throw your life away, he would have died in that fire, too, searching for any survivor. Or he would have lived the rest of his life tormented with the fact that he hadn't been able to save anybody. There wouldn't be a peaceful death awaiting for him."

"That's..." he didn't know how to answer. His heart ached.

"Look. I'm trying to make you understand that is not your fault. They would have died no matter what you did. And you didn't simply ignore them. You understand that now and in sure that you also understood that back them. There's no use in blaming yourself for things that simply happen." Ilya said. "All you can do is be best person you can, not spend your time chained down by the past." her laugh was full of bitterness. "It took me a long time to understand that, so I hope you understand it, too."

"Ilya..." he shallowed. "I…"

She closed her eyes, and leaned back against him.

"Wanting to help people… I don't think its a wrong way to live. But Driven yourself down with this obsession to become an Ally Of Justice, somebody who can save everybody… that's just a convenient fantasy. You can only help as many people as you, but 'everybody' doesn't even enter that equation. There are people you will trample over for the sake of saving more people, and vice versa. Its just how the world works. At least, take care of yourself. If not for yourself, then for m-the people that care about you." she said. "What you're doing is meaningful. It might not seem like much to you, but the night when you reached out to me, your kindness, means the world to me. I'm sure you will help many people like that; your efforts are not meaningless. So… Please, also save yourself."

Silence.

* * *

Graduation. He had accomplished what he wanted to accomplish. He was working now on getting his license, so he could act as a lawyer. He spend more time with Ilya now, thanks to it. As he had expected, she didn't need any help with her coursework, so in the end they just played around as much as they could. To be honest, he neglected his studies quite a bit for that.

One day, when he waked up, Ilya held him back. She said she wanted to talk to him. She said that she had a few things to tell her, and that she couldn't wait anymore. So instead of getting up to make breakfast, like always, he went to turn on the light and got ready to listen to whatever she was about to say, a nervous feeling welling up in his gut.

It was worse that he ever imagined.

She told him everything. Her parents, her story. That she was a homunculus, and the vessel of the Holy Grail, an omnipotent wish granting device. That she was actually older that him, even though she looked like a ten year old child. About the horrible training they put her through, and the War she had been involved it without his knowing. That she had killed Matou Shinji, who had been the master of Rider, because he wanted to use a Boundary Field to suck out the souls of the students at the academy. That she had been the cause of the accident at the Ryuudou Temple, because she had gone after a Servant and her Master that resided there. He told her all about the War and that, after winning, she escaped to his house. She told him about that night, and the locked memories came back. The two corpses grounded into meat. The maids she had talked about.

"Its fine if you hate me, Shirou." Ilya said, sitting on the bed with her head held down. "For lying to you, messing with your mind and for what I did. I just… go away, if you want."

"Oh, shut up." Shirou said, and kissed her in the lips, one hand on the small of her back, and the other around her shoulders. She didn't push him away. She didn't do anything, either. Blushing, her eyes wide, she just continued to stare at him. He slowly detached himself from her lips, not taking his eyes off her.

He didn't… he had never thought of her like that, but he did love her. She understood him better that anybody else, and was always there to cheer him up. She made him like he could just be himself, and since he knew her, every day was fun. It that wasn't love, what was?

"I… I love you, Ilya." she was Kiritsugu's real daughter, but that didn't changed what he felt, not should it change it. "I love you so much. You deserve to be happy, so don't talk about yourself that way."

Without a second thought, he kissed her again. He wasn't thinking straight anymore; her warmness made him felt like he was melting. He pushed her back, making her lay down on her back, and got on the top of her. He kissed her again, cupping her face with one hand and closing his eyes. His tongue slipped inside her mouth, and she eagerly responded. It was messy and a little awkward, and it made clear that both of them didn't really know what they were doing. But neither of them cared.

Shirou opened his eyes again. Her clothes were a little rumpled. She was flushing, and breathing a bit unevenly, staring up at him.

"S-shirou… Geez, you're as straightforward as ever." she complained with a tone and a little smile full of warmness.

Sakura couldn't come today for some reason, and Fuji-nee couldn't either, because she was busy. But to be honest, even if they were coming, he couldn't have been able to stop. He was well beyond reason already.

He kissed her again.

* * *

They loved each other. That went without saying, but they had to hide it, because admitting that they were in a relationship… that it would be troublesome was an understatement. Having a relationship with what looked like a ten year old girl would end his life.

To everybody else, they were like a big brother and her little sister. But every chance they got, they loved each other as what they really were: lovers. He would have shouted his love from the rooftops, but they had to take what they could. And besides, they didn't need the approval of anybody. The warmness of each other was enough to justify anything.

The year passed quickly. As the months passed he had the sense that those days would last forever, but when looking back they seemed to have slip between his fingers without ceremony. It was a strange, foreign feeling. But it wasn't unpleasant at all. Before years passed slowly, as if he was wading through mud. So it was a nice change of peace, and it only made him think about the future. One year. This single year and a few months since he knew her had been the happiest time of his life. Just thinking about the many years remaining for them made him smile.

With her by his side, there could only be happy days ahead.

* * *

"Why?" Shirou chocked out, tears streaming down his face. He felt his mind was breaking. He felt like his heart was breaking. Clutching her small, soft hands within her own, he stared down at her, curled up in the bed. She was a hazy blur to his vision now, but anybody could see that there was something wrong with her. That she was breaking down from the inside. "Why didn't you tell me?"

He remembered. He remembered. No, more like, how could he forget? Things had been going on like always. She had been happy like always, smiling like always and suddenly she had passed up and right there and there he had felt something snapping inside of him already, but he still retained some presence of mind. He picked her up in his arms, and she was cold. So, so cold. Not like a corpse, but nearly so. And now that she was awake again the only answer that she had to give him was that she was as good as dead already.

"What good would that have done, Shirou?" she was calling out his name like always, but the strength on her voice was nearly gone. Her life was going away. "I couldn't be saved, even if I told you. Its a miracle I was able to last one year after the War ended, but I wasn't meant to last from the beginning. I was birthed as 'the Grail's vessel', since I was my mother's child. The Einzbern's made the necessary adjustments to me, without neither my mother nor my father's consent, and so my life was cut down just like that."

"But..." he could barely speak right now, himself. And he didn't even know what to say. He didn't want to believe that this was real. This… he could only believe this was a dream. If he didn't, he would go insane. "Still..."

She raised her trembling right hand to his cheek, and tenderly caressed it. He saw her soft smile through the veil of his tears, and he felt like a knife had been driven into his wound.

"It's fine, you know? It really is. I have come to accept my death. And there is really nothing anybody could have done fix this, so you don't have to felt guilty. If anything, be proud of yourself. For so long, all I had to kept me going was my bitterness and hatred. You gave me a reason to live again and… I never thought I would grow to love somebody like I love you. So its all right. I don't regret even a moment of the time we spend together."

"Ilya..." he felt so stupid. He should say something meaningful. Something that could allow her to close her eyes and sleep peacefully; suitable words of parting. But he drew a black. No, it was more like he didn't want to say anything. Because if he did, that was admitting that this was, without a doubt, reality. He couldn't cling to the hope that this was a horrible nightmare. He hated himself for that, he spat at his own weakness. But he couldn't deny that his body was trembling lightly and he felt a painful tightness in his chest.

"So live, Shirou. There's no use in blaming yourself over things that simply happen. Hold your head hight, and don't spend your time chained down by the past."

He nodded. He slowly nodded to her words, feeling another part of him dying inside. He spend time with here, not letting go of her hands even for an instant. They talked idly about meaningless things, like this was another normal day. They talked until Ilya, barely able to keep her eyes open, said a single 'I'm glad I meet you' and closed her eyes.

"...Ilya?" the name resounded in the empty room. Seconds, punctuated by his heartbeat. The silence was feeding on him.

She was dead.

She was dead.

She was dead.

He screamed like a dying animal. That scream soon turned into chocking sobs.

* * *

Ilya was buried as a Emiya, and her grave was placed just besides Kiritsugu's. He only remembered vague things about the funeral. It didn't help any meaning. The final, terrible confirmation that she was dead and she wouldn't be by his side anymore came when he held her light, cold corpse to his chest, screaming in name in a voice that almost didn't sound human as if hearing her name could wake her up. The funeral… it was only going through the motions.

Time passed, but the wound never healed and wouldn't never heal, because the memory was there. But that was fine. He should suffer her death and cry and always miss her, because moving on just like that was like saying that her death was meaningless. He wouldn't be tied down by his past, like she had asked him, but he would allow himself to grieve for as long and how much as he wanted.

Time passed. There were a lot of things he lost, and things he dropped on the way. He left Fuyuki and strove to help as many people as he could help. No matter how many times he was betrayed, he believed there would be a next time if he didn't betray himself. Even if he was so the cold hardness of reality, he smiled. He smiled and reminded himself that beauty existed in this world. He smiled and reminded himself of the time he spend with her.

He helped a lot of people as a lawyer, and saved even more people. He trained his body and his mind. He put on a mask, and went out the streets to help the people he couldn't help through the legal system. Putting his life on the line, he mended the life of a lot of people and stopped many people from getting killed. People spoke on him as a real-life superhero. His actions brought hope to many people.

Of course, there were also a lot of people that considered him a misguided fool or a dangerous lunatic. But he didn't care. He wasn't searching for compensation, to begin with. He helped people because he wanted to help people. There was nothing more to it. The people who could talk to it after always asked him that, 'why?, and that was the only answer he could give them.

Time passed. No matter what he saw, the noble ideal was something he had to uphold and his dedication never wavered. He was a third rate magus, not even worth of being called so, but he did his best. However, he could only fight the evil in human skin. Monster were out of there. Things beyond his compression. He understood as much because of what father had told him and because of Ilya's stories. That fact, that he was useless against all of that, weathered him down more that any of his failures.

But Ilya had told him to live. She had said that there was no point in beating yourself over things that simply happen, so he held his head hight, kept his success close to his heart and strove to do the best he could without letting the past nor what he could have done chain him.

Time passed. It was spring again, the season of new beginnings. He caught a group of thugs beating somebody in an alley and he, of course, intervened. He wasn't prepared for it. He only had time to do a shoddy Reinforcement of himself, by his standards. There were fight of them, but he was better. He avoid and pushed back every attack that came from him, not leaving any time for them to react.

One of them pulled out a gun, the one who seemed to be in the lead. He aimed at his head and fired. He ducked low. The bullet went whirling past his head. Shirou tackled the thug to the ground, and twisted his wrist so hard he broke it, making him drop the gun. He stood up again, kicked the thug in the head, and kicked the gun away.

A knife came for his stomach. Shirou grabbed it by the blade, wrestled it out of the opponent's grasp, and stabbed it in the leg. With a quick move from Chinese martial arts, he knocked out the thug that had attacked him, who was now weaponless. He didn't even have time to react.

Another came from him, tried to knock him out by pure strength. Shirou didn't even brother to avoid his attacks. He pushed them back, and pushed the thug back along with his attack. Taking advantage of his confusion, he kicked up his body, sending the opponent flying like rag doll against the wall hard enough to pass out.

He heard one of them run away, screaming. He turned towards the last one. He had grabbed that gun, and was pointing it at his stomach. He was fast, but not that fast. The gun roared. The bullet hit its target dead centre, hard enough to make him reel back. From the amount of blood pouring from the wound, he guessed that he had hit a vital spot by pure chance. Grimacing, Shirou took a step forward. That bullet wouldn't penetrated his Reinforcement if he had even ten seconds to do it.

He ran. The thug shot again. He narrowly avoided it, and continued to advance towards hi, uncaring of the pain at his side nor that he would only worsen the wound. He slammed against the opponent with all the force he could muster, and the weight of his body, knocking him to the ground. The thug went to reach from the gun, but he was faster that him. He grabbed it, and pointed it at his head. He could see the barrel of the gun reflected on those blue eyes.

"Run." Shirou ordered, his voice hoarse. He did. He ungracefully scrambled to his feet, and ran away.

He threw away the gun. Dizziness suddenly overwhelmed, to the point that he had to grab on to the wall to not fall. He realized just then that he was breathing heavily. Damn, what luck he had. If he had been even a second faster, he could have avoided it. Or at least, the wound wouldn't have been as worse. He turned, keeping his hand on the wall.

The person was with his back against the wall, his eyes wide and trembling all over. Tears were streaming down his face. He only a few small counts, but it was impossible for him to detect if that person had internal damage. He seemed fine, at least. As fine as he could be in this situation. Shirou approached him.

"You..." the young man breathed out. With shaking hands, he took a phone from his pocket and started putting some numbers it. "I-I call an ambulance right now, so don't worry. Hang in there."

"Are you okay?"

"What?" he froze, with the phone to his ear. At least, that was what Shirou thought the man had said. He couldn't be sure.

"Are you okay?" he repeated.

"H-how can you say that, with such a wound?"

"I'm fine."

"...I need an ambulance, quickly! A man has been shot!"

Shirou looked down at himself while the other man talked over the phone in a panicked voice. The wound was really bad, indeed. His right hand, held against his stomach, was coated in red. He raised it, trembling, and stared at it dumbly. There was something funny about this, though he wasn't sure why. His vision swayed. He lost his balance, reeled back and fell against the wall. He slumped down.

He couldn't hear voices, only the sound of the words, and even that was fading. He struggled to breath. Each breath he took felt like he was driven a knife through his heart. He couldn't even think straight anymore. His vision was clouded by tears, and blood welled up in his throat. And that moment…

What he saw was the scene of an ever distant dream.

"Ah." he breathed out. His eyes went wide. He could see her. He could see her clearly, even through the haze of tears. He had gone by ten long years without her, but there she was, right in front of him, like not a day had passed. He felt himself smiling. But… the girl had her back turned to him. He had to… her name.

"I...Ilya." it was barely audible, but even though he was dying, even though he had that familiar sensation of the world going away from him enveloping him, he remembered. He remembered her name and the times they spend together and now the only thing that was driving him was reaching her. That image. "I-Ilya."

It was unfair. It was so unfair, but it was nothing new. He always lost more that he gained. And what he gained were temporary things. Beautiful things existed everywhere. But, on that night of parting, the brilliance of the stars didn't not appear. It must be because his journey didn't have a finishing line for the start, and had no purpose. The long journey. Possibilities becoming reality, and all sorts of trouble. What was lost within all of that?

"I-Ilya...Ilya..."

Of course, he was filled with scars. That girl with hair white as snow, and bright red eyes. Her and all the people he had failed. His actions were meaningful but he, until the end, was worthless.

"Ilya, Ilya! Ilya!"

And that last moment, she turned her face towards him. She was smiling. It wasn't a tiny, bitter smile of goodbye, but a brilliant smile that told him-

' _Welcome back, Shirou_ '


End file.
